Real Dom Vs. Fake Dom: 9 Ways To Tell The Difference

Not all Doms are created equal, and it’s crucial to discern between a real and a fake one. Let’s dive into nine ways to distinguish a real Dom from a fake Dom. 

Published Jul 06 2023 3 min read

In the vibrant world of BDSM (Bondage, Discipline/Dominance, Submission/Sadism, and Masochism), the roles of Dominants (Doms) and Submissives (subs) are fundamental. These roles provide structure, responsibility, and pleasure to all involved.  

 However, not all Doms are created equal, and it’s crucial to discern between a real Dom and a fake one. But how can you tell the difference? Let’s dive into nine ways to distinguish a real Dom from a fake Dom. 

1. Respect is paramount

A real Dom respects their partner(s) in all aspects, from physical boundaries to emotional well-being. They understand that their power in the relationship comes from trust and respect, not from an inherent right to control others.  

On the other hand, a fake Dom may disregard boundaries or attempt to manipulate their partner into situations they aren't comfortable with. 

2. Communication is key 

Real Doms are excellent communicators. They openly discuss desires, expectations, and boundaries before any BDSM activity.  

They value their partner's opinions and feelings and ensure safe words are in place. Conversely, a fake Dom may dodge discussions, dismiss safe words, or ignore your feelings. 

3. They prioritize aftercare

Aftercare is a crucial part of any BDSM activity. A real Dom understands the importance of aftercare, ensuring their partner feels safe, comfortable, and cared for after a scene. They would never leave a partner feeling neglected or uncared for. A fake Dom might overlook aftercare, focusing only on their satisfaction. 

4. Understanding of BDSM

A real Dom deeply understands BDSM, its principles, practices, and safety measures. They are aware that BDSM is not about abuse or non-consensual activities. A fake Dom, however, may lack this understanding, leading to dangerous situations. 

5. They enjoy teaching

Real Doms enjoy sharing their knowledge. They understand the importance of educating their partner, mainly if they are new to BDSM. They'll guide you through the use of props, sex toys, safety precautions, and more. A fake Dom, on the other hand, may expect you to know everything automatically and make you feel bad for not knowing. 

6. Patience and understanding

A real Dom is patient and understanding. They give their partner time to learn, grow, and adjust to the relationship dynamics. A fake Dom might be impatient and expect immediate compliance, disregarding the time it takes to build trust and understanding. 

7. They value consent 

Consent is the backbone of any BDSM activity. A real Dom understands and respects this. They always seek explicit consent before engaging in any scene or introducing new props, elements, or sex toys. A fake Dom might blur the lines of consent, coercing their partner into activities they haven't agreed to. 

8. They don't use BDSM to mask abuse

BDSM is about mutual respect, trust, and pleasure. A real Dom will never use BDSM as an excuse for abusive behavior. They know that BDSM is not about causing harm but about exploring different sensations and power dynamics. A fake Dom, however, might use BDSM as a cover for abusive tendencies. 

9. They are not afraid of emotions

Lastly, a real Dom is not afraid to show emotion or vulnerability. They understand that BDSM relationships, like any other, involve a range of emotions. They are open about their feelings and encourage their partner to do the same. A fake Dom might shun emotions, viewing them as a sign of weakness. 


Telling the difference between a real Dom and a fake Dom is all about discerning respect, communication, understanding, consent, patience, and care. Remember, BDSM is about mutual pleasure and exploration within agreed-upon boundaries. Stay safe, communicate openly, and always prioritize consent. 

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